It started out like any other day at my grandma’s house.
Riding dirt bikes. Beautiful fall weather. And, of course, my grandma making her delicious deviled eggs that I always made her make for me.
My youngest daughter was about one at the time. My middle daughter was around three, and my son was about five.
Man, did I love taking those kids to do things.
Although, if you ask them now, apparently I usually had a boyfriend with me.
Which, of course, is the only part they remember.
Hahahaha.
Anyway…
My grandma had my daughters with her on the back porch while I tore around the yard on the dirt bike with my son sitting in front of me on the seat.
He loved going fast.
So did I.
Then, out of nowhere, my head started pounding.
Damn.
I had never experienced a headache like that before.
I told my grandma, and she gave me some Tylenol and water and told me to go upstairs to her room and take a little nap, she would watch the kids for me.
So I did just that.
I loved my grandma and grandpa’s bedroom.
Dark, lush blue carpet. Light blue walls. Blue and white floral drapes that moved in the perfect breeze coming through the cracked window.
I laid down.
And I ZONKED.
It felt like I’d only been asleep for a few minutes when I heard my grandma waking me.
“Tasia… Tasia… it’s time to wake up.”
I opened my eyes and saw my Grandma sitting on the side of the bed holding my chubby little baby.
“Tasia, you’ve been asleep for hours. You’ve gotta get up.”
Oh damn.
Really, Grandma?
I’m so sorry.
I laughed a little because I couldn’t believe I’d slept that long.
Oops.
My poor grandma.
I packed up all the kids and we headed home.
My head was still pounding.
The next morning was their day with their dad. He showed up to get them, but my son absolutely refused to go.
He threw a huge fit. No way was he going with Dad this time.
That was so unlike him. He was such a good little boy, and he just did not want to leave me that morning.
So he stayed home with me.
I told him Mom had a really bad headache and asked him to come lie down with me.
And again…
ZONKED.
When I woke up, it was dark.
What the crapper?!
I got out of bed and found my beautiful baby boy in the living room. He had gotten himself some cereal and was sitting there watching TV.
I told him how sorry I was for sleeping all day.
I was never a very good mom, so he was used to it.
I sat with him on the couch for a while and then told him to come to bed with me.
We tucked ourselves into my bed, snuggled,
And once again…
ZONKED.
Morning came.
My head was still pounding.
At this point I thought, okay, what in the hell is going on?
I could hardly function.
I called my grandma.
“Grandma… I think something is wrong. I still have that headache. Can you come get me and Colton and take me to the ER? I need some pain meds or something.”
Of course, Grandma was on top of it.
She told me she was with my cousin and needed to drop him off somewhere in town, but they’d come get us.
They pulled up and Colton and I climbed into the back seat.
Still in our pajamas.
I still hadn’t showered from two days before.
We sat back and listened to Grandma and my cousin talk.
He was always the good one.
Well, all of my cousins my mom's side were the good ones. They are really incredible people.
I was the black sheep.
Moot point.
Moving on.
We dropped my cousin off wherever it was he needed to go and headed to the hospital.
Everything at the ER was pretty normal.
What’s wrong?
My damn headache won’t go away.
What’s your insurance?
How are you going to pay?
Here’s your bracelet.
Go sit down and wait.
And wait we did.
I have no idea how long we sat there before they finally called my name.
The three of us moseyed down the hallway and into a room.
They dimmed the lights because they could tell I was really hurting.
I wasn’t someone who got headaches back then, and because this one had lasted so long, they wanted to do a CT scan before giving me any medication.
So off to the machine I went.
It was loud.
I just wanted to cry.
I didn’t.
All I could think was:
Just get this over with so they can give me something for this damn headache.
They took me back to the room with my grandma and Colton.
A few minutes later, a doctor walked in.
“Tasia, we think we see something in your brain. We’re not sure what it is. We’d like to do an MRI.”
Wait.
WHAT?
You saw something?
HUH?
Like…
Maybe something cool in there?
I was joking because that’s what I did when I was scared. I think that's what I still do.
Make a joke.
Keep it light.
Don’t let your brain go anywhere too dark.
Because I had three little kids, one of them sitting right there in this hospital with me, and “we see something in your brain” was not a sentence I was prepared to hear.
They couldn’t really answer any questions yet.
A few minutes later, they were taking me back for an MRI.
And if I thought the CT scan was loud…
Holy shit.
This thing was way louder.
And scarier.
Okay.
Hold still.
It’ll be done soon.
Then they could just get me some pain meds, right?
That’s pretty much all I cared about at this point.
I got back to the room, and a few minutes later they came in and told us that my brain was hemorrhaging.
They needed to do a spinal tap.
Wait…
What the hell are you talking about?
Also…
Can I get some meds?
But really, my grandma and I just sat there looking at each other, completely shocked.
Okay.
Well…
Let’s do it. Ummm I guess.
The doctor came in with a big old needle, had me sit on the side of the bed, and stuck that thing into my spine.
Okay, yep!
That took my mind off my headache for a minute.
Now my back hurts too.
Hahahaha. Pain meds yet?
They filled several syringes with whatever fluid and sent them off to the lab.
Wow.
Okay.
This was definitely not how I thought my day was going to go.
Eventually, the doctor came back in and told us he didn’t think there was blood in my spinal fluid, but I needed to get in with a doctor and figure out what this “mass” in my head was.
Well, alrighty then, Doc!
He gave me some Tylenol and…
sent us on our way.
Driving back, Grandma and I were both completely confused.
What the heck just happened?
Am I okay?
I have a mass in my head?
Wait… what?
They sent me home?
Just Tylenol? UGH!
I didn’t understand any of it.
Grandma said she was taking Colton and me back to her house so I could rest.
Okay, Grandma.
Thank you.
I loved being there anyway.
We were about halfway back when my cell phone rang.
It was my mom.
Now, mind you, my mom lived in Texas.
We were in Utah.
And yes, it was a flip phone.
That’s how old I am.
I answered.
She sounded frantic.
“Tasia, the hospital just called. Your brain is bleeding. Get back to the hospital. Where’s Grandma?”
I just sat there.
My brain is bleeding.
How does your brain bleed?
What does that even mean?
Can you die from that?
I didn’t want to ask that last one out loud.
My head was still throbbing.
I handed the phone to Grandma.
All I heard was:
“Okay. Okay. We’re heading back there. I’ll let you know.”
Well…
Turn around we did.
Now we’re driving back to the hospital and apparently my brain is bleeding.
Oh, for hell’s sake.
Grandma started crying.
I started crying. Dang it. My head hurts.
Then I looked in the back seat.
Colton was watching us.
He was five years old.
He didn’t understand what a brain bleed was, but he sure as hell understood that his mom and his great-grandma were suddenly crying.
And then he started crying too.
That was the first moment I remember being truly scared.
Oh my hell.
What is going on?
This can’t be real.
Grandma told me my mom was calling Todd, my ex-husband, and the rest of the family to let them know what was happening.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I’ve got this.
About twenty or thirty minutes later, we pulled back into the hospital.
We parked.
We walked inside.
I was holding hands with my baby boy and my grandma.
And when we got through the doors, there were about eight people standing in the hallway waiting for me.
There was a stretcher.
And then I heard it.
Helicopter blades.
Life Flight had been called.
Suddenly, I was sitting in a wheelchair, they were rushing me into a room to get me into my beautiful hospital gown.
A doctor told me that spinal fluid was filling up into my brain.
And my brain was bleeding.
I kept looking around for my grandma.
For my son.
But suddenly they weren’t allowed back there with me anymore.
Up until then, Grandma had been right there.
She’d driven me.
Sat with me.
Waited with me.
Gone home with me.
Turned around with me.
And Colton had been there through all of it.
Now neither one of them could come with me.
That scared the hell out of me.
People weren’t joking anymore.
Nobody was talking about sending me home.
There were paramedics everywhere now, dressed in their dark blue uniforms.
Nurses were hustling around me, getting IV bags ready and preparing needles to shove into my arms.
There was a stretcher.
There was a helicopter waiting outside.
I was lying there staring at those awful white ceiling tiles and those bright hospital lights thinking…
This day sure did take a turn for the worse.
As everyone moved around me, the doctor took my arm.
“Your family is on their way.”
Okay.
This is really real.
And for the first time, the thought came clearly.
Am I going to die?
Then I could taste the IV medication.
And…
Oh my God.
Finally. Relief.
My head didn’t feel like it was going to explode anymore.
And for one brief moment…
I felt pretty damn good.
I don’t remember how much time passed after that.
I just remember moving.
They were wheeling me out of the ER.
Through the doors.
Down the hallway.
And I could finally see my grandma and my son sitting in the waiting room.
The paramedics stopped briefly so they could walk down the hallway beside me.
Colton was holding my grandma’s hand.
As they bounced my stretcher down the hall, I kept catching little glimpses of the top of his little head coming into view beside me.
My grandma reached out and held my hand.
Down the hallway.
Through the glass doors.
And outside.
I could hear the helicopter blades starting up.
Faster.
Faster.
Louder.
Louder.
As we got closer, Grandma had to let go of my hand.
They lifted me into the helicopter.
Suddenly there were only a few paramedics around me in this tiny little space.
I remember looking out through the open door.
It was getting to be evening.
And I remember thinking…
I swear we got here this morning.
How did it get late so fast?
And then I heard the words I don’t think any mother is ever prepared to hear.
“Tasia…
Your kids are here to say goodbye.”
Goodbye?
What do you mean, goodbye?
My girls are with their dad.
Colton is just here with Grandma.
They weren’t supposed to be saying goodbye to me.
They were babies.
Five. Three. One.
I think that was the moment whatever denial I’d been hanging onto disappeared.
They weren’t bringing my children out to see me before I left.
They were bringing my children out because there was a chance I wasn’t coming back.
Oh my God.
Was I going to die?
And if I did…
What would happen to my babies?
Todd had gotten the phone call and driven straight to the hospital with the girls.
They lifted Colton into the helicopter first.
The paramedics were looking at us like this might be the end.
Oh my God.
Was this the end?
Colton had always been a mama’s boy.
He loved me so much. I miss him.
He wrapped his little arms around me and squeezed me tight.
“I love you.”
I told him I loved him too.
Then they lifted him back out.
I can still see him.
Little cut-off jeans.
A pajama tank top.
He was so perfect.
Then they lifted Taylor in to me.
Aww, man.
She was always the sweetest little thing.
Her long, curly brown hair was blowing around from the helicopter blades.
I can’t clearly remember what she was wearing.
But I remember her eyes.
Those big, beautiful brown eyes.
She didn’t understand what was happening.
But she sure as hell knew she didn’t like it.
We hugged.
We kissed.
She cried.
And then they took her away too.
Next, one of the paramedics grabbed Shaylee and held her beside me so I could talk to her.
My baby.
“Bye, ShayShay. Momma loves you.”
Her sweet strawberry-blond hair was pulled into one cute little ponytail on top of her head.
She was just grinning at me like absolutely nothing was wrong in the world.
She was almost one.
She had no idea she might be saying goodbye to her mom.
And maybe I’m grateful for that.
Maybe I’m grateful that in that moment, her little world was still perfectly okay.
Because mine sure as hell wasn’t.
“Bye, ShayShay.”
And then they took her away.
They started closing the helicopter door.
And suddenly I heard:
“Wait! Wait!”
I knew that voice.
That’s my OTHER grandma.
My sweet Grandma Ranae.
With what I can only describe as divine timing, she had happened to be at the hospital taking care of something when my dad called and told her what was going on.
She ran outside just to tell me she loved me.
Then I heard someone say:
“Stand back.”
And the helicopter door shut.
That was it.
No more hugs.
No more kisses.
No more little hands reaching for me.
Just me, a few paramedics, and the sound of those helicopter blades.
Somewhere outside that door were my three babies.
Five. Three. One.
I’d spent the last few days just thinking I had the worst headache of my life.
Now I was being flown away with blood in my brain, not knowing what was going to happen when we landed.
And I had just done something no mother ever expects to do.
I had said goodbye to my kids.
I didn’t know if it was goodbye for a few hours.
Or goodbye forever.
The helicopter lifted off.
A few weeks before it happened
The one and only Grandma P
