I've spent years second-guessing my gut feelings.
Well, let's be real… pretty much my entire life.
I chalked it up to my past. I told myself, I'm just being triggered. I'm overthinking. I'm being too emotional. I'm being dumb. I'm being paranoid. I'm self-sabotaging.
No.
No, I'm not. And no, I wasn't.
My body and my nervous system were trying to tell me something, and looking back, they were right a hell of a lot more often than I gave them credit for.
I don't need someone else to tell me whether what I'm feeling is right or wrong anymore.
And instead of constantly apologizing for being too sensitive, too emotional, too hard, thinking too much or… not emotional enough, not sensitive enough, not thinking enough, maybe we need to start apologizing to ourselves for all the times we knew something didn't feel right and talked ourselves out of listening.
I'm trying to listen more now.
Here are the lessons I'm still learning…
Being alone isn't nearly as scary as I used to think it was.
Being with someone who makes me miserable, makes me question the truth, makes me feel less than, or makes me feel crazy is a hell of a lot worse.
I think for a long time I was so afraid of being alone that I would stay too long, try too hard, and convince myself something could work if I just tried a little harder or if I just ignored my gut telling me something was wrong.
I'm learning that if I'm constantly confused about where I stand with someone, that's probably my answer.
I don't want to spend my time trying to figure out how somebody feels about me.
Just because something feels intense doesn't mean it's love.
That's been a big one for me.
For a lot of my life, and maybe still do. I think I confused intensity with connection. The butterflies, the highs and lows, the worrying, the making up, the huge feelings… I thought all of that meant there must really be something there.
Sometimes there was.
And sometimes, most of the time, it was just chaos.
Peace used to feel boring to me.
Now, I crave it.
I need it, and I will not accept less than it.
I'm also learning that I don't have to fix everything the second I feel uncomfortable.
I don't have to send the text.
I don't have to call.
I don't have to figure it all out tonight.
And I definitely don't need an answer right this second just so I can make the uncomfortable feeling go away.
Sometimes I just have to sit in the shitty feeling.
I don't particularly enjoy that lesson.
But I'm getting better at it.
I've learned I can miss someone and still know they're not good for me.
I can love somebody and still choose myself.
Loving someone doesn't automatically mean I should be with them.
And I don't need somebody constantly reassuring me that they love me.
I'd rather have the kind of relationship where their actions make me feel secure enough that I don't need to keep asking and they don't need to keep telling.
I'm learning not to fill every empty space just because I'm lonely.
An empty space doesn't always need a person shoved into it.
Sometimes it needs to stay empty for a while.
And walking away doesn't mean I didn't love someone.
Sometimes it means I finally loved myself enough to listen.
Maybe that's the biggest lesson I'm still learning.
I trust myself a hell of a lot more than I used to.
Not perfectly.
But a hell of a lot more.
Apparently, This Is Growth.
