My attorney recently informed me that this is how villains are made.
Apparently, before long I'll be wearing tight black outfits and using men for their bodies and money.
And my immediate thought was...
Well, shit. That doesn't sound entirely terrible.
Kidding.
Mostly.
Now, before anybody gets too excited, I should probably clarify that this was a joke. A conversation that had me laughing harder than I had in a while.
But after I stopped laughing, I started thinking.
What exactly makes someone the villain?
Because I feel like I've spent a ridiculous amount of my life trying very hard NOT to be one.
Trying to be understanding. Trying to be fair. Trying to see things from everybody else's perspective. Trying not to hurt feelings, disappoint people, or make anybody uncomfortable.
And somewhere along the way, I think I got a little too good at making myself uncomfortable so everybody else could be comfortable.
Sound familiar?
I've apologized for things that weren't entirely my fault. I've explained myself until I was blue in the face. I've given people the benefit of the doubt long after the doubt should have packed its shit and moved out.
And I've stayed in situations longer than I should have because I didn't want somebody else to think I was the bad guy.
Because God forbid somebody be upset with me.
But here's something I'm learning.
Having boundaries can look like villain behavior to people who preferred you without them.
You spend years being the person who understands, forgives, accommodates, and makes things work.
Then one day you say no.
Just... no.
And suddenly you're difficult.
You're selfish.
You're cold.
You've changed.
Well, no shit. I certainly hope I have!
Wasn't that the whole point of all those years of learning, healing, and figuring out what the hell I actually want out of life?
I didn't do all that work just to keep volunteering for the same miserable situations with a better vocabulary.
And let's talk about this whole idea of being the villain in somebody else's story.
Because here's the thing.
We all tell stories about our lives. We tell them from our perspective, with our feelings, our memories, and our own understanding of what happened.
And sometimes, in somebody else's version, you're going to be the asshole.
Even when you know why you made the decisions you made.
Even when you tried.
Even when you cared.
Even when walking away was one of the hardest things you've ever done.
Somebody can still tell the story in a way that makes you the bad guy.
And for a long time, that really bothered me.
I wanted people to understand my side. I wanted them to know I wasn't being cruel. I wanted them to see that I had reasons.
So I'd explain.
And explain.
And explain some more.
As if there were some magical combination of words that would finally make everyone say, Ohhhh, now I understand. You're actually a good person.
Spoiler alert.
Sometimes those words don't exist.
And sometimes people aren't interested in understanding you anyway.
Which brings me to something I've been thinking about lately.
Maybe your villain era isn't about being angry. Maybe it's about being so completely done that you're no longer willing to inconvenience yourself just to make somebody else's life easier.
Oof.
That one hits a little close to home.
Because how many times have we agreed to something we didn't want to do simply because saying no would make somebody else upset?
How many times have we rearranged our schedules, swallowed our feelings, or taken on responsibilities that weren't ours just to avoid an argument?
And how many times did doing all that actually make us happy?
I'll wait…
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating for becoming some heartless, selfish asshole who doesn't care about anybody.
I still believe in kindness.
I still believe in generosity.
I still believe in showing up for people, helping when you can, and treating others with respect.
But I'm beginning to understand that being a good person doesn't require being an endlessly available one.
You can be kind and still say no.
You can care about somebody and still decide they don't belong in your life.
You can forgive someone and still never want to speak to them again.
And you can wish somebody well without volunteering to help them get there.
Apparently, that last one is where my villain origin story begins.
But here's the funny part.
My so-called villain era hasn't involved anything particularly villainous.
I've been spending time with my family. Riding horses. Taking myself on adventures. Laughing with friends. Trying new things. Enjoying my own company.
I recently took myself on a birthday trip, hiked until I questioned every decision that led me to that mountain, rappelled down a 200-foot cliff, and spent six hours riding a beautiful mustang through the desert.
And somewhere along the way, I realized something.
I wasn't lonely.
Not even a little.
I didn't need someone beside me to make the experience special.
I didn't need somebody's approval to enjoy it.
And I certainly didn't need to turn a beautiful moment into something more just because the opportunity presented itself.
I could simply enjoy it for what it was.
Imagine that.
A woman enjoying her own damn life without asking permission.
How scandalous.
Maybe that's what this whole villain era thing is really about.
Not becoming mean.
Not becoming bitter.
Not getting revenge.
But finally being okay with the fact that not everybody is going to like the decisions I make for myself.
And maybe I don't need them to.
Maybe I can stop explaining why I need space.
Stop apologizing for having boundaries.
Stop trying to convince people that my reasons are good enough.
And stop believing that being misunderstood means I've done something wrong.
Because at the end of the day, I have to live with my decisions.
Not the people judging them.
Me.
And I would much rather be the villain in somebody else's story than keep making myself miserable trying to be their hero.
So if this is my villain era, I guess I'm embracing it.
Although I should probably start shopping for that tight black outfit.
I think it's part of the job description.
Maybe my villain era isn't about becoming cruel. Maybe it's just the era where I finally stopped auditioning for the role of the good guy in everybody else's story.
Apparently, this is growth.
